Kai's totally legit and love-based passport marriage
by GrapeApehah
Summary: Kai turns 18 and is threatened with deportation. To make matters worse, he also gets drafted to the Russian army. Only way to escape Borscht and certain loss of pride is to marry a citizen. Sadly Kai has the social skills of a predator and the only person interested in pursuing eternal love and happiness with him is his recreational stalker Wyatt. A strenuous ride lies ahead!


Chapter 1. The letter

'This cannot be happening!' I stuttered.

'Well, you're 18 now, happy birthday.' my grandfather replied laughing. He was rubbing his stomach for his first belly laugh since 1997.

'Very funny.'

I had just received two letters in the mail. One telling me my visa allowing me to stay in the country had been expired and I had 30 days to leave the country, the other drafting me to the Russian army.

'I told you once you turn 18 you no longer need a legal guardian and will be dropped from my family Visa.' My grandfather reminded me.

I sighed. 'But I've lived here for the past 13 years, my Russian is terrible, they're going to tear me apart in the army. Can't you bribe someone?'

But my sadistic grandfather just kept on laughing. 'No, look at you, what a sissy you are, if you really don't want to go find your own way out of it. There's plenty, like marrying someone. At least try to find a way yourself.'

Then he walked off to leaving me to sulk in my own self pity.

The army? Fuck! The military was not my thing, I didn't like receiving orders. Not even at school. And now I was at the peak of my time, just about to graduate high school. I would be free from commitment and my time had finally come...or so I had thought.

-x-

I arrived at school crankier than usual. I received some happy birthday wish from some loser at school and gave him the evil eye. No one even dared to talk to me after that. Good so, I was in no mood.

I couldn't focus on school, the Visa thing was on my mind. I could always marry someone, like my grandfather said... I laughed out loud for a second, receiving confused stares.

Yeah, Kai Hiwatari and marriage, that was not going to happen...

Also, I didn't really know any girls, well, I knew girls, at school and so, but I never talked to them, and I couldn't see myself propose to any.

Besides, everyone was scared of me. I would normally pride myself in it.

I was considering asking my grandfather to get me a wife somehow, pay someone, but I knew he wouldn't. He wanted me to find my own solution.

Maybe I could marry a prostitute...

Ew gross.

The doorbell rang and interrupted my thoughts. I packed my stuff and made my way out the door when I bumped into Wyatt.

'Oh happy birthday, Kai.'

'Yeah, happy birthday you too.'

He smiled. 'Thanks.'

Normally I would ignore him, but we did share a birthday and I didn't want to make his as miserable as mine had turned out to be.

'I have a party tonight, with halo and beer, you're invited, unless you're busy celebrating with your own friends and so...'

'I'm busy.' I told him. It was a lie, I didn't have anything planned. But I turned down invitations on default. And today I was even less in the mood than I normally was.

'Oh okay.' Wyatt was disappointed. His smile had disappeared from his lips. 'Well, I'll see you around, have a good day!'

Then he walked off.

Wyatt has been having a crush on me for a while. Sure I'm flattered but it is awkward. Oh well, at least there would always be one person who would marry me...

That's when I realised, he could potentially be the solution to my problems. Marrying Wyatt wouldn't be too awful, at least he wasn't high maintenance, it would be super weird though.

I spent the rest of the day weighing out the pros and cons of marrying Wyatt. I felt like some crazy, obsessive stalker doing so.

This is too much even for you Kai, I kept on telling myself. What if his crush develops and he falls in love with you? You'll never get rid of him!

So instead I decided to focus on other people I could potentially pop the question to.

Someone needy... maybe a nerd or dork, someone unpopular.

Unfortunately most girls appeared to be afraid of me, especially the socially awkward ones. I concluded that I had to find a new target.

Maybe a teacher... actually no, they wouldn't marry me, they'd get in trouble if they got caught dating a student.

I kept on pondering. Who would even want to marry someone at this age. Someone religious maybe, they would avoid me under normal circumstances, but what they enjoyed doing above all was 'saving' people.

'Sinners' like me. Really my only 'sin' was dressing too rough and not talking but that was enough to make them believe I was a thug.

So my next mission was to approach the church crowd and volunteer my services as their resident sinner.

'Well Hello there.' I greeted them in the parking lot. I forced a smile.

'Hello?' they responded confused.

'I would like to be saved!' I announced.

The light in their eyes lit up and they surrounded me almost instantly.

'That can be done.' They ensured me.

Needless to say they dropped me like a hot potato as soon as I got a little flirty with the ladies on the 10 meter walk from the parking lot to the church. They assumed immediately that I was going to get into their pants and banned me from their holy community.

Well, I figured that was a holy sign telling me to abandon my plans of finding a wife in this manner, and since I had exhausted all my other options I was forced to return to plan A:

Marrying Wyatt

Well fuck me!


End file.
